Monday, November 28, 2005

Counting Down to the End of the World for Fun and Profit

The bird flu hysteria is just the latest symptom here. We *love* our apocalyptic disasters in this country. We're a lot like Japan in that regard, but where they have giant mutated lizards wrecking cardboard Tokyo's, we have breathless news reports of a *possible* mutation of a bird disease that could kill everyone. It could happen at any minute. Stay tuned.

Top recent variations on the Apocalypse for public entertainment:
  1. Avian flu coverage on CNN
  2. NBC's "Revelations" (ignore the fact that the actual book in the New Testament is the book of Revelation, singular, not plural, but hey, marketing should not be bothered with tiny details like accuracy)
  3. CBS's "Category 7: The End of the World"
  4. Spielberg's remake of "War of the Worlds"

Things to Keep in Mind for My Inevitable Ascension to Evil Overlord

This is great. From the list:
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

Men's Health Agrees: Tell Jimmy Stewart to Take a Hike

From their holiday survival article:
9. Never watch It's a Wonderful Life again

Sure, it's tradition . . . but you want it to stop. Don't just groan and say it's stupid. That will only upset whoever loves the tradition, probably The Mom. Propose a new one--a Scrabble tournament, a snowball fight, anything with a little more interaction and a little less suicide. Or you could just talk. If there's not much of a precedent for that, start with topics that can involve everyone. What was your first boss like? What was the first thing you wanted to be when you were a kid? What is your earliest memory? What was life like for the family back in the Old Country? How did Uncle Zach meet the Ziegfeld girl he married? You'll learn something about the older relatives' lives, and they'll fill in the gaps in yours, Dr. Manevitz says. A few planning rules: Keep it light and fun. No directives. No orders. No chores. And don't supervise the proceedings or have preconceptions of what's supposed to happen. If the goal is to talk and everyone's talking, mazel tov.

Now, let me tell you...I hate It's a Wonderful Life. Hate it. I used to get the flu every year around the holidays, and nothing says vomit like Jimmy Stewart assuring his daughter that yes, a ringing bell does mean an angel just got its wings. Good lord, gag me with a spoon.

Monday, November 21, 2005

It's Never Too Late to Trash Pat Robertson

I know, I know, I'm late on this, but I just couldn't let this go without saying something on the blog about it:
Pat Robertson, after Pennsylvania voters replaced school board members who voted to put Intelligent Design on the science curriculum: "I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover, if there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God — you just rejected Him from your city. And don't wonder why He hasn't helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I'm not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that's the case, don't ask for His help because he might not be there."
Yeah, uh, Pat, because that's obviously how the Good Lord behaves, in oh, say, the parable of the prodigal son, or in the action of sending his Son to die for a world that repeatedly turns its back on Him. STOP WITH THE FEAR-MONGERING. You can't scare people into being your version of a Christian Taliban.

I'm shocked he didn't call for the assasination of the Mayor of Dover

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Office Functions Suck. Or Don't.

Yes, I forgot to pick up the food I was 'assigned' to bring for the special lunch today. For the love, I will get them before lunch. It is not necessary to announce it to everyone as they walk in, nor is it necessary to sit at the front and growl about the poor freaked out staffer who also forgot her 'assigned' food.

I hate official work social functions. I hate them.

UPDATE: HA you passive aggressive freaks. Staffer girl DID bring her stuff and you guys just didn't see it. Take that.

UPDATE: I went and got the stuff I needed. Take that.

UPDATE: was actually a very nice event. Everyone shared stories and food. I am just a thorny SOB today. I don't know why.

50 Cent, give me a break.

From GQ UK:

50 Cent is to turn his hand to novellas, his delighted publishers at Pocket/MTV Books have announced. The American rapper, real name Curtis Jackson, insists he's not risking his street cred with a series of "gritty" tales, designed to "tell the truth about The Life; the sex, guns and cash; the brutal highs and short lives of the players on the streets", said a press release.
Right. Give me a break.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Fun With Corner Bakery, Round Two

My email to Corner Bakery in response to their caloric stonewalling:

Thank you for your email. Your response is totally inadequate.

To quote: " We are very pleased to tell you the nutritional information is available on our website. Please visit us at to obtain nutritional information for our menu items. Unfortunately, we are unable to provide any nutritional information for our baked goods at this time."

This is the only informative paragraph sandwiched between two long paragraphs of legalese.

Now, everyone knows that your brownies are not something one should eat to lose weight. We eat them because we like them. But we also deserve to know just what kind of dent we're putting into our daily intake when we devour these things.

It's a fairly simple exercise: if you don't know how many calories are in each brownie, i'm sure the ingredients you use have the calorie information on them when YOU buy them. Just tally them up and divide by the number of brownies they make!

This isn't that big of a deal, but your strange obfuscation is making it a real customer service issue.

I ask again, how many calories are in your brownies?

Stay tuned...

That Aroma...

"When you smell it, it's got that smoked salmon aroma," said Peter van Stolk, chief executive of Jones Soda.

A Great Blog

This is written by a soldier serving in Iraq. Worth a look. Excellent writer.

Monday, November 14, 2005

DC in a Nutshell

Here's a great post on Washington, D.C. This guy gets it:
I reach the top of Federal Triangle station and I’m surrounded by government buildings. Eagles carved out of stone mount each rooftop; patriotic gargoyles. In the distance the Washington Monument stands like a sentinel against the evening sky, gazing down at us all with beady eyes that glow orange. Our forefather is judging us.

A Thought for Your Monday...

The folks over at Bruderhof sent this to me this morning:
“Rats and roaches live by competition under the laws of supply and demand; it is the privilege of human beings to live under the laws of justice and mercy.” --Wendell Berry

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Corner Bakery: "....."

BREAKING NEWS: Corner Bakery replied to my request! Or did they?

Now, before I get to the excerpts of their response, I have to point out that the name of the establishment is Corner Bakery. The relevence of this will become apparent in a moment.

What started this all was this page:

Note it lists calorie information for everything but the guilty stuff. Sensing trouble, I emailed the aforementioned request.

I present to you now, for your consideration, the key paragraph from a very long-winded email (emphasis mine):

We are very pleased to tell you the nutritional information is available on our website. Please visit us at to obtain nutritional information for our menu items. Unfortunately, we are unable to provide any nutritional information for our baked goods at this time.

I love it! The bakery can provide you the calories for everything but their baked goods. This calorie information for the brownie must be some ungodly, unholy number. What is it, 666 calories or something?

For your reference, a Corner Bakery brownie is not just a brownie, its half a brownie, but has chocolate chips, caramel, and is covered in powered sugar.

Okay, now this is officially a crusade. The American people deserve the truth!

Don't Turn Around....Micromanagista is in Town...ohoh....

Seriously, people, my boss, who I will refer to from here on as Micromanagista, is dragging her feet approving all the bazillion things she forces me to get approved through her. My long weekend is coming up. If she makes me late tonight I swear, there will be some serious cussing.

Viva la Resistance! Sic semper Micromanagista!

All Grown Up

Today's mile time on treadmill: 00:6:55
Song on the brain: Fix You, by Coldplay

I think sometime in the last week I turned into a grownup. Something feels...different. I walk down the hall differently. I don't care what people think. I don't worry about being fired because I'm confident in my work. I just feel...good.

Some of it may have to do with working out daily and having that time to focus, and to not focus on all the rambling things that fly through your head every day. I read a great article in Men's Health Best Life (not on their website) a guy wrote about what goes through his head in the gym, and how it's his lab where he remakes himself. He nails it on the head. It was by Mark Leyner.

Having a great home life has a lot to do with it too. When you get it right with someone you love, it shifts the focus totally off work, off social settings, every small thing you think your life is about. It's wonderful. She's wonderful.

I have a great marriage. I save for retirement. I work out 6 days a week and may be in the best shape of my life. I have a job in the field I love.

I feel like a steely-eyed missile man.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

The Revised Revised Revised Revised Version

I write for a living. Today, I revise for a living.

There is nothing quite like having to rewrite something over and over and over and coming back to the place where you originally started. It's out of control today.

It's days like today that make me want to revise my resume.

That's not true. I think I may secretly like my job under the layers of frustration and complaint.

But you'd never know it.

Never, ever make fun of fan boys again. Ever.

Because you never know who they're working for.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Run, Forrest, Run!

Yay me! My mile time on the treadmill has been 00:06:58 for the last three days straight.

Fun fact for the day: Corner Bakery will not tell you how many calories are in their brownies. I'm going to do an experiment and see if they will provide them by email. Watch for updates.

Monday, November 07, 2005


For your consideration, the first two lines of my horoscope from
Best Day This Week:
Okay...this was posted today, which is Monday. THANKS GUYS! If my best day this week was YESTERDAY, that information could have been helpful YESTERDAY. Jeebus, guys, I could have taken some days off this week. $#@$!

Arrrrrrr, Matie!

I love it. Other press reports indicate they scared the pirates off with a loud "acoustic bang." Basically the big cruise ship said BOOO and scared the RPG-wielding scurvy dogs away.


Jeez, when was the last time you got to blog about pirates?

No, No, NO!

This must stop. I found this at Again, They're hawking concealer for men. For those of us who don't know what that is, here's a definition:
"A conceler is a type of makeup used to cover pimples and spots." -- Wikipedia.
Folks, that's makeup. There is no makeup for men! STOP THIS NOW.

Friday, November 04, 2005

You Can Doiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!

That Geico commercial with the guy on the workout machine is hilarious.

Because I know the world cares: I ran my mile on the treadmill today in 7:03 minutes, starting at 8.6 speed and working up to 10 by the last half-lap. getting it in the 6-minute range.

I know, I know...a mile is not much. But listen...I HATE distance running. With a passion. So instead I run higher intensity, shorter runs daily. One mile, as fast as I can. The urge to END the run is the thing that makes me run faster.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Rob Zombie Says: Be Nice

From Men's Health:

  1. Anger is all about management. You choose to manage it, or you don't.
  2. Embrace strange obsessions. Today's weirdo is tomorrow's mogul.
  3. It's nice to be important. It's more important to be nice.
  4. If you get too comfortable, you lose your edge. A little pain keeps you striving
I love it. The director of House of 1000 Corpses says be nice.

If I Die Before I Wake...Um...Plant Me?

I think this may be the coolest thing I've heard of. Do this to me!

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Don't You Wish You Knew...

...the title of the page I have minimized on my taskbar?

Don't Let Caprica Happen to You


Peace on that.